Every Saint Has a Past
by sourir
Summary: Dark brown eyes stared at the perfect features on the poster with a gaze far more mature than expected of his age. They melted as blue ones warmly stared back. "Get out…" Tony flinched as the hiss slid down his spine and he turned to face the raging drunk Howard Stark. His father. Its cold but sometimes alone is better. Stony fic.
1. Nostalgia

_Dark brown eyes stared at the perfect features on the poster with a gaze far more mature than expected of his age. They melted as blue ones warmly stared back. He lost himself in the sea and hope, honor, trust echoed throughout his being. He struggled to rip his sight from the slight smile that played on the captain's lips._

_"Get out…" Tony flinched as the hiss slid down his spine. He turned to stare into the cold face of Howard Stark: billionaire, genius, tortured soul, alcoholic._

**_His father._**

_Howard refused to acknowledge his sons presences as he breezed past him to sulk into his chair. He moved with a ghost-like quality and Tony couldn't stop the visible shiver that shook his body. Howard let out a raspy dark laugh, more of a scoff than anything._

_Slowly he repeated his order, taking care to stare at the door._

_"Get. Out. Now." His words were slow, poison as his hands gripped the bottle ever tighter. Tony's lip trembled as the 8 year old took in the near empty bottle his father was clutching. Defiantly he stood, and with a stern face Tony Stark brought his chin up. You don't run from bullies, he told himself._

_Howard looked at the boy. He looked at the pathetic pout on the face that stole his features from him. He took in the brown eyes that, just like his mothers, dreamt of a love not reserved for him. _

_He recognized the proud stance and his heart panged as he saw the love that threw himself into the ocean._

_He stared his son and felt the disappointment crawl ominously back into his heart._

* * *

Tony sighed and wiped the tears he barely knew had fallen. It was 2 am and not having the strength to try and sleep, Tony had wandered.

He backed away from his fathers office closing the door and trapping his vulnerability in the dark room.

When he turned no trace of the 8 year old lingered on his freshly shaven face, his perfectly polished smile deceiving all those who looked upon it with 20 years of harsh experience. He noted duly that there was no one to recieve his grin and let his face slide into something of a grimace. He applaude himself. Not even Pepper could distinguish between his genuity and the façade.

Ah.. Pepper… he thought to himself. Things had been going downhill. She no longer had the strength to care and every second he asked her to hurt her more than blows. He couldn't live up to her expectations and the disappointment was evident in her eyes. He desperately needed faith and Pepper could not provide him with any more chances.

He knew that. He just didn't want to know that.

But he couldn't look in the face of what could be when he knew damn well it never would be. He couldn't bare to see her face once more as he comes crashing through the window, her eyes big and red from staying up for news of his health, her screams echoing as he almost loses his grip. He wouldn't ruin her life anymore. He could do it, he could rise above that for Peppers sake.

He couldn't do it.

Fingers trembling Tony walked to his kitchen. The voices in his head threatening to take over his being as he opens the cupboard.

_"The man who has everything but nothing…" _

**God damn it, why is everything empty?!**

_"We got a plan, we're going to stick to it!" Tony said staring into the face of the man who saved him. His hands were bloody from the wound in his chest. Please.. he thought. Please.. don't._

_"This was always the plan, Stark." _

Tony grabbed 5 bottles at random and slammed the door shut, it didn't matter that he didn't know what they were, everything in the cupboard contained alcohol.

_And with those words Tony's resolve broke. The tears he had no control over resembled fountains as they poured out his eyes and the soft whimpering the only noise that betrayed him. The blood kept on pouring out of the professor. _

"JARVIS block all calls to me, understand!?" Tony hissed as he almost ran down the stairs to get to his workshop. His heaven. His prison.

"Yes, sir."

_"My familys dead.. I want this." His eyes became glassy, unreadable. Tony could no longer hold it in the sobs broke through his teeth like wrecking balls._

**Stop it. **"STOP IT!" He screamed at no body.

_"Thank you for saving my life."_

"Thank you for saving my life." Tony let the words out broken and jumbled as they may be. Bruised, twisted, broken beyond repair.

"STOP TALKING!" Tony smashed a bottle on the floor, grimacing when he realized the sound did nothing to bring him from his daze. "Don't talk. Save him… Just please fucking save him." He whispered as he slid the ground, bringing the bottle once more to his lips because for the life of him he didn't have the strength to block out his father's face, the death or Yinsen or even the Captains brilliant smile.

* * *

Tony woke in cold sweat to the sound of his buzzing mobile. Fingers fumbling and bottles flying everywhere he yanked it out his pocket at pressed it to his ear.

"Pep." He let out in a strangled voice, his voice struggling to get the words out.

"Tony." Her voice was cold, distant. And yet Tony let the relief fill his being, he let his heart expand and let his smile become elated. Her voice calmed him.

"What's up? You miss my sex already?" He asked, attempting to sound normal though his smile made it hard.

"No!.. I.. Tony.. I" Gone was the practical tone to her voice, gone was the distance and the icy feel. What replaced it made Tony's heart beat faster and faster, made his palms sweaty, and made his breathing become erratic. Pepper sounded confused, tired and hurt.

"Pepper, what's wrong?"

"Tony we need to talk." The ice crawled its way back to her voice.

"Do we? About what?" He answered, finding it harder than usual to apply his light-hearted tone to his words.

"Just. Just see me at some point, okay?" Pepper sounded small.

"Of course." He replied with no hesitation. He knew it was coming, cursing himself for not acting sooner. "Pepper?"

"Yeah, Tony?"

"I love you." It was a big risk on his part, one that he knew he'd pay for. But he needed to say it, he needed to let her know. There was a time when Pepper would laugh and shout those words back to him, or when she'd cry and punch him as she leaned in for a kiss. There was a time when he'd be content even if she didn't say it because in his heart he knew she did. He didn't deserve times like those.

Silence. His heart refused to slow. The pain squeezing his heart with every passing moment.

He should hang up now; he should save he the pain and guilt and hang up. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, he stayed on the phone waiting, waiting for what he knew would never come again.

"Tony, I have to go." Her words were thick and sad.

"Yeah. Bye." He replied curtly. His heart had quit its frantic beating and had settled into an unnerving pulse. He felt like screaming, he felt like crying and swearing. But most of all he felt like nothing. He felt like fading into the wall to become nothing, not letting anyone see him and therefore his vulnerabilities. He cursed himself for letting his walls down.

"I'm sorry.." She whispered before she hung up on him.

Tony closed his eyes, he didn't think. He didn't let himself. Because thinking would let that moment when he realizes how alone he truly was sink in.

When he's the only one standing there without the smile on his face. Going to the dances and the parties, and never accepting the society, never being able to relax, never being comforted by the purs of the women that lapped his bullshit and never truly understanding why he woke up next to unfamiliar eyes.

Part of him cares but the other is just so used to the ice, to the cold insomnia and isolation.

It's cold but maybe alone is better.

He stood up in one fluid motion and checked his watch, it'd been 8 hours since he'd let himself slip drunk and dazed into an unsatisfactory sleep on the cold floor of his workshop.

"Jarvis."

"Good morning, sir."

"Didn't I say to block all calls to me?"

"Yes, I recall however, Miss Potts was very worried and I assumed tha-"

"Don't ever fucking assume! What makes you think you can ignore what I say?! What makes you think you're above me?! You can't even fucking think. You're a fucking robot. Fucking piece of shit. Go on give me your best impression of the emotion hurt 'cos thats all it fucking is, a fucking **impression**. Cos you're not a fucking person and you dont fucking feel." Tony let the rambling words slip from his mouth a raged rush and in . He was so fucking angry.

Jarvis made no answer and already Tony regretted what he had said feeling evermore guilty but damned determined not to apologise. Flashes of his butler ran past his mind. The Jarvis that would tuck him in and wipe his tears, the Jarvis that promised him he'll always be safe.

"All my fucking friends are robots, and even they can't stand me" He snarled.

"Excuse me, sir, I apologise for interrupting your deep histrionic mood but Colonel Rhodes is attempting to access the workshop, should I grant him permission?" The sarcasm that seethed through the A.I's voice did not go unnoticed and Tony breathed out from his teeth knowing that at one point he would have to apologise to him. Not now though.

"Go ahead, you'd do it anyway."

"Sir, your faith in me truly is rattling."

Tony ignored JARVIS tone in favour of the bottle of scotch standing at his feet.

"STARK! Put the god-damn bottle down!" Rhodey rushed through the workshop and pried the alcohol from Tonys hands.

"Jesus, Jimmy, it's a bit of an ungodly hour to be shrieking like a siren, even if you'd make a stunning one" Tony replied winking and with one swift turn had another bottle to his mouth.

"Seriously Tony, will you just put the bottle down? Its too early to be drinking. How are you not being sick?"

Tony considered this, he considered putting the bottle down and remaining sober for the coming conversation, he considered drinking his way through the coming conversation. And then he considered puking his way through it.

He smashed the bottle against the wall. "Fine. Just 'cos I don't want to be sick..." He turned to face Rhodey and he stifled a laugh at the horrified expression on the col. face.

"Ha, ickle Jimmy got scared. Rhodey, now's not a good time, I'm stressed. And you did tell me to put the bottle down, so I did. All be it in an odd manner but hey at least I'm not drunk!"

"Tony. Man, you may be my best friend, but a) you don't get stressed, I doubt you even know what it means." He held up a hand to suppress Tony's retort about how his genuis outweighs the worlds put together. "and b) I didn't say throw at a wall! You just smashed a bottle of 40 year old macallan scotch right there." Rhodeys nostrils began to flare.

"Oh yeah!" He exclaimed, clicking his fingers. "You like that don't you? It's cool I'll have Happy take you to the factory or something. Hell I'll buy the factory! Starkallan... Macstarkan... Oh! I know! Every time you buy a bottle you get a fella free. 'Course some of us would be happier with a girl but hey whatever sucks your cock Rhodes."

"Yippie. You noticed." Rhodey replied immediately with a face straighter than the sexuality of Captain America.

Tony burst into howls of laughter and no longer able to contain himself at the sight of Tony on the floor he joined him in his uncontrollable fit of hysteria. Bending over with the sheer weight of his chuckles Rhodey wiped tears from his eyes. Tony sat up and slowly let the laughter fade.

"Come on, say it. I'm funny aren't I?" Rhodey grabbed his hand and helped him up.

"Your not funny and I'm not gay. There are some things you've got to learn to accept." He said guiding him out the workshop and up the stairs. "Come on Tony, don't tell me you forgot the summer of '05 already..."

"Summer of '05, summer of '05, blah blah, come on Rhodes, baby you gotta let that go."

"Tony you paid the god damn hotel staff, the fucking MALE hotel staff, to lock me in my room and attempt to sway my sexuality. If my puke on your shirt didn't phase you must be crazy. And by the way I will never forgive you for that, I still have nightmares about whipped cream and trolleys."

Tony laughed, genuinely, sincerely. He was happy he had Rhodey even if he knew he truly didnt deserve him. He could never get the hang of selfless.

As they reached the top of the stairs Tony's laughter began to fade quickly and surely.

"Your laughing but I swear to god at one point they even tried to lick my-"

Stood at the top of the stairs with his azure eyes wide and a pink blush on his cheeks was an angel.

He shouldn't be alive.

Thick blond hair combed and still slightly tousled, soft lips attempting to smile. And his eyes. His eyes full of hope, honour and trust. He was beautiful.

He grabbed Tony's hand and the warmth completely enveloped him.

"Hi, uh, I'm Steve Rogers." Tony felt his heart flutter, he couldn't ignore the way their hands sparked or how his eyes made every part of him melt.

Tony couldn't speak.

"Er. I'm sorry, ha, a lot of people were shocked. You look so much like... him." And with those words Tony froze. He yanked his hand back and they turned in to white knuckled fists. Rhodey sucked in through his teeth and placed himself slightly in between the two men

"Get out."


	2. Love the one you hold

Rhodey stood in the entrance with his arms folded and his head cocked to his side.

"So this is what a nostalgic Tony Stark looks like? I've got to say its calmer than I expected."

Tony kept his head bowed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. 25 years old and crying, he almost punched himself. But it had been too much. Seeing him, touching him. It brought back too much pain for Tony to truly be okay and how the insecurities had came bearing down on him when he'd said those words.

You look like him.

"Do you mind?"

Rhodey sighed as those the weight of the world had plonked itself on his shoulders. He took a seat next to Tony and let his legs swing over the edge of the gigantic building.

"You do know that Captain America is waiting for you downstairs? You cant run forever Tones."

Tony groaned and sloshed his scotch around a bit.

"Fuck you very much lieutenant colonel captain general blahdeblah Rhodes. You talk waaaay too much your like a never ending stream of stupid words that make total sense and just make me want to hurl."

"Tony. What did you expect? You knew he was close friends with Shark senior. Hell he built him his trademark shield."

"I don't know! I expected anything but my fucking father again Rhodes. The bastards dead but he still wont leave me alone. Please James, I don't want to hear it."

"Just give the guy a chance."

Tony stood and splashed cold water from the fountain on his heated face choosing to ignore the stumble on the way there.

"Why the hell is he even here? Shouldn't he be cooped up in some shield basement while they poke and prod needles at him?" He flinched internally at the image he had created and swore he would never let that happen.

"Because you signed a contract with fury. Because you're the only living comfort in a world so alienating. Because it was Stark Industries that found him, thawed him and woke him. Because you're a rich fucker and the guy could use a better room than his ten by ten. And Fury seems to think your the best person for him right now and I don't know about you but I'm not one to question director Fury's judgment."

Tony blinked in shocked. A couple of times.

"How long was I up here?"

Rhodey smiled. "10 minutes. We're military men."

And then Tony stops. Because we're isn't were. It comes crashing.

Steve Rogers is downstairs.

Captain-fucking-America is downstairs when he should be dead, a pile of bones rotting away at the bottom of the ocean. He should be buried underneath countless blocks of ice because when he died, the faith in the world went with him. Howard Stark had spent years, decades trying to find him. He sacrificed everything to try and get a glimpse of the man Tony knew he had loved. Tony scoffed, isn't it ironic that the one thing that kept you from your worthless son is here right now waiting for me. And then he flinched because even though Captain America had helped him get through his hell, he was ultimately the cause of it. And regardless of how much he tried Tony couldn't shake the resentment.

"Fuck." He said as he bounded down the stairs grabbing his suit jacket as he goes. Tony threw his glass behind him. He only slightly heard and Rhodey told him he was leaving, he was far too focused on trying not to fall. He cane tumbling into the living room and there sat Rogers. He was sat with his elbows on his knees and head resting on his hands. His face looked pinched, tired. Almost immediately he stood to a fucking parade rest as he saw Tony. Fuck off, this guys not for real.

Tony stared at his feet. "My behavior was inappropriate. Lets begin again." He said smoothly. "My name is Anthony Edward Stark." Stretching his hand out he held those brilliant blues in a hostile gaze.

"Steven Grant Rogers. I.. I knew your father." Steve took his hand and felt his stomach twist at the contact.

"Well, that makes one of us." Tony replied with a flash of his trademark grin. On the surface Tony looked calm and ready but his eyes danced with challenge. He was being an ass. But he couldn't stop.

"Howard was a good man, he saved the lives of a lot of Americans." he replied with a stubborn set to his jaw.

Tony was almost rendered speechless as he considered the weight of those words.

Oh if only you knew winghead.

He yanked his hand away and snorted at Steve.

"Yeah sure he did goldie." he retorted. He glared at the man he had once adored so unconditionally. He barely registered the disappearance of his steady guard.

" Fury says you need someone to babysit your stupidly spangled ass" he said with a cold sneer. He took pride when he saw Steves face turn a shade pinker.

"Director Fury stressed the importance of having a companion, yes, considering all my own are dead. However I don't NEED anyone, especially not-"

"Whatever winghead, I get it you miss your girlie. Get over it." He was going to say Howards son. Of course he was.

He tried to take as much satisfaction as he could at the sight of Steves chest heaving and his anger. But it disappeared as soon as he saw how his shoulders slumped and pain flashed across his eyes. Tony felt a lump in his throat. "Anyway, I'm busy. I have a meeting in... 20 minutes ago. Well would you look at that. JARVIS tell pepper to come round and take our starred friend for a drink."

"Yes, sir" Tony was sure Steve would have reacted to the sound of his A.I. if he hadn't been so caught up in his memories and grief.

Everybody grieves at some point or another kid.

"Staying in the ice would've been better, cap" Tony's voice is softer than he meant and he tried his hardest to harden it. "The world doesn't need another man who takes orders." and with that Tony turned and left Captain America alone. Not lingering on how heavy his heart felt or how the sight of him, slumped deflated and scared, will be etched into his memory.

Tony hears the inevitable sound of a sob before he can escape it and doesn't look back.  
Because Tony knows. He knows how to handle grief and sometimes a slap across the face is better than walking on eggshells. It's tough but life was never easy.

Not even if your Captain America.  
-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===-===/p

Peppers eyes were watering. She was deathly silent as she listened to Steve. He was a fine specimen wasn't he? Shock of blond hair, bright blue eyes. Too much of a nice guy for her now. She'd been corrupted, she laughed.

And then immediately went back to being hypnotized by Steve.

"Then after he'd punched these three goons. He turns to me all happy and just says "I'm Bucky, my moms making onion burgers kid lets go." He grabbed me by the collar and just dragged me to his. Since then we were friends for the rest of my life. You know, he used to tell people he was my father and crack up at folks faces." Steve barely contains a guffaw of laughter.

"Cap-i-tan! Your the same age!"

"Exactly!" Steve proclaims. "That's exactly why it was terrible. Folks thought all sorts of things but Bucky always wanted to challenge them. He was never happy with old folks."

It was 7 pm. Steve had downed at least 15 shots and was currently on his 6th pint. He was getting drunk.

Pepper had downed 3 glasses of wine and 7 shots. She was hammered.

"Tony's a prick." She slurred while wiping her eyes.

"Ma'am" Steve said in agreement.

"You're not a prick." She said with a smile.

He laughed nervously as he slowly removed her hand from his thigh. "I hope not."

Pepper groaned and let her head smack on the table. Steve flinched knowing that it would've have seriously hurt. "WHAT AM I DOING? Steve! I'm hitting on you. I'm hitting on Captain America! Ugh! I don't do that, I have a boyfriend. I'm gonna be sick." She ran away with her hand on her mouth. Steve stared after her with concern until he say her safely get to the toilet.

He sighed.

Tony Stark, huh. Howards son.

Damn what was his problem?! Steve knew from the moment they hand shook hands that being friends would've been easy. He also knew from the moment Howard was mentioned hating each other would be even easier. Howard was arrogant, yes, but he damn well deserved it. The man was a genius, he came up with so much useful techy things that Steve never understood. And he always had the time of day for him. Howard Stark knew how to be a gentleman. Anthony Stark, well, he was a spoonfed wet sock.

Steve was momentarily snapped out of his daze when a tap on his shoulder connected. He tensed.

"Captain Rogers." Immediately Steve relaxed and shuffled up slightly on the booth to make way for the agent to slide in.

"Please, agent, call me Steve." He said with a smile.

"Of course, Captain Rogers." Coulson replied. Steve rolled his eyes internally.

"Whats the matter, Agent Coulson?'

"Nothing, sir. SHEILD database told me you were having a drink. So I thought I'd join."

"Coulson." He used his best Captain America voice.

"Director Fury said you wouldn't get drunk and told me to come and offer you my company because he knew very well, what with Ms. Potts and Mr Stark's current relationship, that she'd be getting drunk." Coulson expression never changed, even as he let a breath through pinched lips.

Steve chuckled and patted Coulson on the back.

"Please don't te-"

"I won't tell Fury." He said with a fond smile.

"Thank you, sir." Coulson whipped out a pack of cards from his jacket and began to systematically shuffle them.

"Is that- Is that Circus Rumy?" Steve's breath caught.

"Yes, sir. My grandfather used to play with you." Phil's hands moved with grace and efficiency as he shuffled the cards, cut them and handed a half back to Steve.

"What was his name?"

"Micheal. Micheal James Coulson."

"Uh. I'm sorry I don't remember I have a terrible memory, I can-"

"Micky Finn." Phil said, looking up just in time to see the recognition flash across Steve's face and almost allowed himself a smile at the huge grin that broke there.

"YOUR grandad was Micky Finn?! Aw, Geez, he used to bribe the cooks and dash us all a shot of whiskey to keep us going. Micky Finn, he had a mean hand and the punch on that guy-"

Steve was abruptly cut off as one Pepper Potts fell on him.

"Steve!" she proclaimed. "Take me home!" She clutched her bag to her chest and closed her eyes. All was quite for a minute or so, then a snore broke the silence.

"I should probably- uh- take her home." Steve said as he awkwardly leaned Pepper's head against his shoulder and attempted to shake Coulson's hand.

"We'll play another time." Phil said with a smile as he packed up the cards.

"Another time." Steve promised him.

Coulson stood at the front of the bar as Steve set Pepper in the cab and sat next to her. He made sure the driver had gotten the address to the tower correct and waited until the cab was out of his sight. He pulled out his phone, punched in a few numbers and waited.

"Coulson. You found him?"

"Yes, sir. He was in the shower."

Silence.

"I hope your not lying agent. You know how unstable Captain Rogers is at the minute."

"No Director I'm not lying. Captain Rogers is fine and well."

"Fine. Stark's going back with the rest of the gang. Meet up with him in 2 hours. You'll be staying with them for the next 4 weeks to... monitor their progress. Agent Coulson, this is your mission."

"Yes, sir."

"Fury out."

The ride back was... uncomfortable. Pepper, passed out, fell on Steve's lap. Steve had simply stared out the window, avoiding looking at her at all costs. The 4 minutes 39 seconds it took to get back to the tower passed painfully slowly. Not the Pepper was a nice girl, no not all, Steve thought Pepper was swell. And she was strong, you could tell that in the way that she had held out her hand and the firm grip she had. Pepper had sweeped her eyes over him and it seemed as though, in that one second, she knew everything she needed to about him.

But, gee, drunk Pepper was a different story.

Steve shifted slightly and immediately cursed himself when she landed a rather painful blow to his thigh.

"Sorry, ma'am.." He murmured.

"He thinks I don't love him, the fool. Its not that I dont. I just cant any more."

Finally, they reached the tower. He thanked the driver and threw a twenty his way conscious of the drunk Pepper that was attempting to stroke his hair. He picked up the passed out Pepper bridal style, not really knowing what else to do, and concerned flashed through him at how ridiculously light she was. She needs to eat more.

Jarvis let them in, and Steve made a mental note to find the man and ask him for keys. If Anthony would let him of course.

Not really knowing where everything was Steve went to the only floor he knew, the one where he had a room and where Tony did too. He placed Pepper on the couch and went about looking for some blankets. He came back from his room carrying his duvet and a pillow and carefully tucked her in.

"Happy?" She murmured against his shoulder as he was attempting to fit the blanket all the way round her.

"Huh? I hope so ma'am."

To his surprise Pepper chuckled slightly. "Never mind. G'night Steve."

"Night ma'am."

The elevator to the floor pinged, and his head jerked to the noise before he realized what it was and turned back, all in a matter of mini seconds. He heard voices, lots of them and almost sighed at the antics of his landlord.

And that's when Pepper kissed him. On the lips.

"Woah, Captain America is here-"

"Clint, shut up-"

"Miss Romanov even you can't deny-"

"This is Midgards mightiest hero? He is incredibly small-"

5 or so people came stumbling in and silence fell upon them as they say what was happening. Steve's eyes were so large it would've been comical in any other situation. His whole body was as far away from Pepper as he could be and he was attempting to take back his face from her strong grip without hurting her.

"WHY THE FUCK" Tony screamed as he pushed through the crowd to stand in front of them, just as Steve pulled back and Pepper fell straight back in a peaceful sleep. "ARE YOU KISSING MY GIRL?!" Tony jabbed his finger in the taller man's chest and glared at him.


	3. URGENNNTTT

hello any body who has stumbled upon my work and is interested, I'm sorry to say that i'll no longer be posting up chapters on fanfiction and instead be posting them on archiveofourown. here's the link if you'd still like to read this work and again im sorry :'(

/works/630754/chapters/1140568


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